On the morning of May 28, 2009, the citizens of Victoria, Canada – all exceedingly humidified and lacking in dignity – woke up to an unavoidable reality:
Calgary is still better than Victoria.
Representing the fine city of Calgary, and the even finer people of Southern Alberta, were the Calgary Vipers – a team of professional baseball players who are as dynamic as the prairie sunrise is colourful.
Representing the sombre city of Victoria, and the pot-smoking underachieving populous of the province of British Columbia, were the Victoria Seals – a team of professional-looking baseball players who can be counted on for fielding errors like the Canadian Pacific coast can be counted on for grey, cloudy drizzle.
When Victoria Seals third/first baseman Brian Rios hit into a 6-3 putout to end an 18-7 territorial hammering at the hands of the Calgary Vipers on the night of May 27, the Seals found themselves swept in a three-game series of baseball, and simultaneously crushed in areas like culture, attractions, and livability.
The Seals lost game one of the series to Calgary 10-3, and lost game two by a score of 9-6. Further proof of the prowess of Calgary as a city.
Victoria Mayor Dean Fortin was gracious in defeat:
“At the end of the day, it came down to the better city simply playing like a better city should; and just like they’ve always been, Calgary is the better city.”
British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell took it one step further:
“Just look at the regions. Our dumpy province has nothing to offer but debt, crime, dead-fish smell, and a lack of sunshine. Now, step back and marvel at Southern Alberta. The prairies roll like [William Butler] Yeats poem, the limitless and open sky is a gift to the imagination, and they have the only section of the Rocky Mountains that matter. Heck, you can take it one step further and include the rough-and-tumble optimism and rugged outdoorsness of Northern Alberta as well, since the Edmonton Capitals won their latest series against us 2-1.”
Not all of British Columbia handled the beating as well as their elected officials. A majority of Vancouverites acted on reputation and dark-brown street-heroin as they rioted all the way to Gastown, looting and burning everything in their path along the way – save for the city’s plentiful safe-injection sites. Rioting as a result of losing something has long been Vancouver’s bon mot.
At least until June 12, 2009 – when the Calgary Vipers and the Victoria Seals begin another three-game series – the people of Victoria and British Columbia are going to have to eat their dried tofu bars, protest for their fashionable causes, and flaunt their flamboyant scarves with the knowledge that they are second fiddle to Calgary and Alberta.
Just like they’ve always been.